Have you ever worked
and waited for something so sweet
with false and painful starts and stops
and found yourself afraid to even hope in it anymore?
The date to prom, the needed job, that sweet baby cooing in your arms all fresh and whole,
better – strength and courage to rise again
that promised “life abundant?”
You put yourself out there
in reality and practice
in blood, sweat, and tears
and that child’s pose
only to drink deeply from an unmarked poison well
or embrace the fox that eats away at your heart
or the prayed for, waited for, patiently (or not) received kindness
which turned out to be more death than life?
Peace fills then eludes…goes up in flames.
The precious words of a savior scourge the soul.
Once again, it is more than disappointment that you know.
Prayers for friends
Families holding it together – only just
Countries and cultures at war within their own borders
and it doesn’t let up.
Relief does not come.
The words that you’ve searched and re-read
the questions that you asked about
issues that you’ve asked so often “how can I help”
that door that you knocked upon so long that you and it are bloodied and splintered
How do you risk hoping again when the track record is so poor?
We adjust & readjust
Our paradigms shift, skew, are scrapped, and started again
We crawl back from the dust and dung of the fall
We raise our hands in offering and sing “you give and take away”
We’ve been here before.
How do we risk hoping again?
I want to believe.
I just can’t.
There is nothing I grieve more at this time than the death of my long loved, fought-for, transforming faith –
the hope that there is value in each prayer answered
yes, no, maybe, and not now
Value in each breath
Your scripture isn’t going to cut it.
Nor your judgement.
Or urge to just dance and sing.
or the definitions of faith found among the pages in Hebrews or in the gut-wrenching Psalms
Snow filled running.
Meals in good company.
This is the simplicity
that I now have.
Still no match for the grief of faith lost.
No one has carried me away.
No sin or lack of zeal.
Age-old abuses – centuries of children pimped
cultures raped and pillaged
The old truths no longer offer comfort or hope.
So now I am trying to distill
what I even want
in my life
To lead a quiet life
and work with my hands
and mind my own business
with the best of friends and family around the table
to leave this world better than I entered…in some small at-least way.
Still searching for the north star.