Afraid to hope.

From the Mysterious Benedict Society

Text from the Mysterious Benedict Society

Have you ever worked

and wanted

and waited

and worked

and wanted

and waited for something so sweet
and savory

with false and painful starts and stops

and found yourself afraid to even hope in it anymore?

The date to prom, the needed job, that sweet baby cooing in your arms all fresh and whole,

peace

rescue
better – strength and courage to rise again

that promised “life abundant?”

You put yourself out there
in faith
in reality and practice
in blood, sweat, and tears
in peace
and that child’s pose
of submission

only to drink deeply from an unmarked poison well

or embrace the fox that eats away at your heart

or the prayed for, waited for, patiently (or not) received kindness
which turned out to be more death than life?

Peace fills then eludes…goes up in flames.
The precious words of a savior scourge the soul.
Once again, it is more than disappointment that you know.

Prayers for friends
Families holding it together – only just
Countries and cultures at war within their own borders

and it doesn’t let up.

Relief does not come.
The words that you’ve searched and re-read
the questions that you asked about
issues that you’ve asked so often “how can I help”
that door that you knocked upon so long that you and it are bloodied and splintered

How do you risk hoping again when the track record is so poor?

We adjust & readjust
Our paradigms shift, skew, are scrapped, and started again
We crawl back from the dust and dung of the fall
We raise our hands in offering and sing “you give and take away”

We’ve been here before.

How do we risk hoping again?

I want to believe.

I just can’t.

There is nothing I grieve more at this time than the death of my long loved, fought-for, transforming faith –
the hope that there is value in each prayer answered
yes, no, maybe, and not now

Value in each breath
failure
success
hope-filled thought

Your scripture isn’t going to cut it.
Nor your judgement.
Nor assumptions.
Or urge to just dance and sing.
rest
or try

or the definitions of faith found among the pages in Hebrews or in the gut-wrenching Psalms

Snow filled running.
Meals in good company.
My kids.
This is the simplicity
that I now have.

Still no match for the grief of faith lost.

No one has carried me away.
No sin or lack of zeal.

Reality.
Age-old abuses – centuries of children pimped
ethics circumvented
cultures raped and pillaged

The old truths no longer offer comfort or hope.

So now I am trying to distill
what I even want
in my life
who
what
when
where
why
and how.

Simple.

To lead a quiet life
and work with my hands
and mind my own business

with the best of friends and family around the table

to leave this world better than I entered…in some small at-least way.

Still searching for the north star.

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About allielousch

Engaged in everyday adventures and derring do.
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6 Responses to Afraid to hope.

  1. Jutta Zelko says:

    Just LOVE her writings, you feel the pain but what impressed me…she seems so strong, no person or thing she puts blame on…I admire her so much ( forgive my bad English, I am German)

  2. sara choe says:

    i must confess that i don’t even know if i’ve ever broached where you’ve been. maybe i just don’t know any better than to hope. would you mind terribly if i continued to ask in your stead? like i’m not even gonna try to hold your arms up; let them down. even if i’m not praying with you, i’m praying for you–for you, yes, but *for* you as in take your place. since denial is a stage of grief, would it be safe to say that i grieve with you? and would you mind the company?

  3. nessa3 says:

    I found your blog today..have been struggling to hope…afraid to…want to trust …but cant do it again…been knocked down to many times…Im tired of trying and trying … reaching for the carrot that can never reach…I just want to lie down,quit, walk away and not be condemned or judged for it. Ive had above and beyond what I can or want to handle….when does the pain leave and I can breathe without wondering when the next hit is coming?

    • allielousch says:

      Nessa, we are in this together. I’ll reply more later. This is me seeing you and cheering you on. You are going to want to give up. Don’t. You are needed just as you are-messy, imperfect, & authentic.

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