Identity Theft

Allie as a tiny grinning tot

Allie as a tiny grinning tot

Too soon after this picture was taken, I was raped.

Raped for the first time by a friend of my mother’s and not the last time one of her friends found their way into my person.

Such an act has a way of destroying.
And destroying.
And destroying.

No good comes from such evil taking.
Ever.

And it never fully goes away
The scars of such thieving of a soul
And innocence.

A worse betrayal is found in the lying and covering up
And heaping of abuses
And taking
And not-shielding
And choosing to not believe because the truth is
Too hard
And may cost your adult self
Too much.

No worries that your children suffer in the days and nights
and seasons
and decades ahead

though desperate in their efforts
often valiant
and always imperfect

to not stain
or pollute the next generation of dreamers
by the rapes of before.

Who once could have cured cancer
Or danced unafraid
And unashamed
In the moonlight when the summer stars
Flit and fly from the ground up

Soon tries to become invisible.

Identity stolen
By your desire

To please yourself
Rule
Or protect your interests.

For some
This thievery becomes the angry cancer
Of hate
That drips poison upon oneself
And the world at large

And too often becomes a torrent
That the newest and youngest
Cannot escape.

Others
– And there is no way to identify all that happens to all raped people –
Choose to hide
to please
and work so unceasingly at being good
And acceptable

That we exchange ourselves for the lesser
So that we do not intimidate
Overwhelm
Cause undo notice
And in doing so
We hope to relieve ourselves of future
Sufferings

And new abuses.

But for me
It didn’t work out so well.

Last night, I spoke with another who knows this artificially inseminated vacuum of the soul
I said,

“It’s like I’ve fortified the walls, triple-locked the windows, and reinforced the doors, but somehow left the side door unlocked- the door where predators first try.”

And in this season
I have asked myself
How an intelligent
World adventurer
And brave woman
Could have succumbed to such a great lie.

Did I – like the ever foolish ones
Who leave their keys in the car
And the engine running
Only to wonder why the Vibe got stolen –
Did I unwittingly invite
The rape?

I posed this to my best friend
While running or walking the other morning
And she stopped me
And said, “You know it wouldn’t have been okay even if you had left the keys in the car”.

Intellectually
I know she is right.
But years of taking the blame
And shielding the shame of another
– who reportedly recently asked “I guess you girls hate me”­ –

Have made me easy to assume the shadow of doubt
And bear the responsibility
For what is not mine.

Pretty messed up, eh?

And though I am healthy
And have healthy friends
And the remembering of a now-cauterized faith
A hope whispered in memory
That once sustained through so much grief and pain
Admittedly some of my own design
I now have no idea where the solid lines were originally drawn in my person.

It is not an empty nest
Or midlife crisis.
Nor existential query that would make Camus proud
Nor drama for the masses
Or an appeal to pity.

It is a search for my north star.

In the midst of lightening grief for the ones who remain in the stolen car
Or who have had to bear with me as
Trauma’s shrouding fugue lifts
And life
With its beauty and brutality
Reawakes
Within.

Abuses without number
Or shame
My sweetest connection to a broken family dying
And I found out short hours after pledging life to that unseen god
Working my way through grief and colleges alone

With souvenirs of doubt, judgment, and despair now gathering dust in the rubbish bin
While treasures – children of my marriage and heart;

Friends who are family
Family who are friends
And strangers who I hope know that they are seen

… these treasures accumulate and grow

In my Hobbity Home.

Identity Theft

You bastards who take from others
What is so precious and sacred
Who pimp
Or fondle
Or surge in
Where you are not wanted
And manipulate
Demean
Or wound

If only karma was true.

But the problem of pain and evil persist.

And – as my friend and pastor reminded me as gently as a friend will – that with the problem of pervasive evil comes the problem of GOOD.

How to explain the good in the world?
Where does it originate?

Well played, Steve.
Well played.

And now I offer another picture
In words
Of this emerging clarity of identity.

I now longer demand to leave a mark on this world.
To be seen and applauded (though a little clap here and there would be fine)
For brilliance
Charisma
And professional, personal, or spiritual excellence.

I now will plant
My little seed of wonder &
My fuchsia-painted toes
Into the soil
Directly beneath my feet
And try to live each
Day

Keeping in mind that life is short
And we shall make it as wide
And merry
As our strength
And the collision of humor
And hope
And healing

And imperfection will allow.

In this way
I will not let the rapists
Steal my most precious
And fundamental
Quirky
Sensuous
Self.

Don’t you let them take you, either.

We shall stand together
And learn to dance beneath the stars without worrying
About being unseemly

We shall stand
And speak truth
No longer paying truth’s as Price
For being “sweet, cute, and obedient”

We will not
Ramp up a storyline
Or character defect
As who we are.

We will live simply
Quietly
Work with our hands
And leave this world
Slightly better than before
In hopes that our little lives
Of courage
And joy

Will aggregate
And weave into a safety net
A bandage
A warm blanket
A lighted way
Fresh water
For a thirsty
Weary world.

This image I have as I finish this
Is that of a firefly
Joining with others
To light up
In the sweetest of magic
A dark world.

Advertisements

About allielousch

Engaged in everyday adventures and derring do.
This entry was posted in About, General Posts, There is a lot I don't know and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Identity Theft

  1. Deena says:

    Oh Allie…you are one of the big bright fireflies lighting up the darkness. And bringing hope and joy despite all of the pain and awfulness. There is no way to right the wrongs done, no words to soothe the misery. Shine your light – even when you feel it is but a wavering flicker – it will help you and others find their way. I admire you for putting into words and sharing what many would keep hidden. Shine On!

  2. therollers says:

    Your raw emotions and revealing truth will inspire, comfort, and bring out the emotions in people that need some release. Thank you Allie! Alycia

  3. C.e.Dorr says:

    Bravo, dear brave-heart who ceaselessly bestows benevolent beautiful and bountiful love ~

  4. Robert Sutherland says:
  5. so much love for you, al pal. so so much.

  6. Jane Pelletier says:

    Blessed Allie! Thank you for the deep vulnerability of this reflection. Thank you for the deep beauty of yourself. You amaze and inspire me over and over again. Love, Jane

  7. Brenda Fergen says:

    Allie,
    Despite the horrors that you have endured, your light has not been extinguished. You continue to flicker and shine in a world that can be dark. Your light guides others who have lost their way in a world that is not always kind or fair. Keep shining firefly…keep shining! You are a beacon of hope and healing.

    Hugs from SD.
    Brenda

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s