I have a blog all ready to toss to the wind, The night is long, and I think it’s a good one.
But I can’t post it. Because after scribbling it down this morning, I encountered a holy moment as I opened the door to a friend on my stoop.
Setting the scene: This week I have learned how expectations destroy the sweetness of hope and expectancy. I learned that deep in my bones in a way that hurt, challenged, and brought a delicious freedom.
I was reminded that loving and wanting are two very different realities.
So many hard truths punched through my coarse heart that I spent much time being quiet – just trying to sort them out and soak them in. I’m a little raw in some things.
A slow soundtrack of “One Day More” & “Epilogue” has ushered me through terrors in the night and many good waking hours.
Knock knock knock.
I had a decision to make: do I pretend to ignore the knock so that no one more sees the real bedhead/coffee breath morning me? I remember thinking, “Aw hell, now or never” and padded off to the door.
There she was. This precious and shiny friend. In she came and ushered one of the holiest moments of my recent memory.
She brought all of the words I’d written just before to life – and so much more. I will not post that blog because the life at my door is so much more precious than the words on the page.
She left a few hours later – or was it only moments?
Up came the questions of this weekend:
Do I continue to write?
Am I doing any good or is this just an exercise of ego and public healing/self-embarrassment?
Am I relevant?
I don’t know the answers to this. So many good people are casting their hearts to the world with such wisdom, grace, and love. I’m not sure I am among the least of these. I’m not looking for affirmation. Just wisdom.
Who am I to offer any words?
My friend is wise and good and true.
She makes wherever she happens to be a more gracious, loving, and accepting place.
She doesn’t realize this. But we all do.
So here is the message of my blog today: YOU MATTER.
Your beauty and wisdom is unparalleled.
The world needs you.
Just as you are.
Even in your big hairy morning breath self.
Can we send this message across the aisles? The bed? Miles, sports allegiances, and philosophies?
Can we love people that we find reprehensible – even that lummox in the “white power” tee shirt and glare at the grocery store yesterday?
Can we love the people to our left and right; the people who swapped vows with us, the one’s who live because we loved once, the neighbors and their funky cat, our boss and employees; that Cretan who cut us off and slid into the one parking spot within a mile of Chipotle?
Can we cease striving, stop hiding, and love- and let people know that they are loved in word, deed, and truth? Can we accept people for who they are and accept ourselves for our own flawed brilliance and bed head?
Can we remember that we are all in this together – the people we love and those we hate – can we remember that we all live on this dirt clod hurtling through thin air and that we matter?
I’m not asking for us to agree, just be civil.
Nor am I hoping for any less of a miracle than seeing people with hope.
You know that “white power” guy I told you about earlier? Well, I wanted to say something as he glowered at the cashier.
And then it occurred to me: no kid is born that way. Hate is a learned trait.
I heard something in my heart as clear as if you had whispered it to me while I stood with my coffee creamer and tortillas, “Al, he would have been one of the kids you would have stood up for.” And I was done in.
He was no longer a person I could judge and ridicule.
He was a dude with a real problem of love and identity and value. When we put others down, all we are doing is trying to push them under the water, climb over them, and keep from drowning ourselves.
As my friend, LouBee, says, “love multiplies, it never divides.”
So let’s multiply love. Let’s get over ourselves and our plans for world domination and – love.
I don’t mean to preach. It just makes so much effing sense. Small planet. Short life. We’re all in the same boat: born, live, die, leave something behind.
We can love and be brilliant.
I know many who do.
Like my friend who ushered in a holy holy moment today.
I will always be grateful.
Still searching for the North Star.