As the fog over this new year rolls back and the landscape comes into view, I am quiet.
What is it about one day that makes all of the last season come to an “end stop” and the next season stretch in its waking?
I don’t know, but I’ll take it.
“Fortune favors action.” (Sophia Amoruso, #GirlBoss)
Though I still have no clue of the “big idea” for my short life or even an overarching goal to target, I do have a tiny plan for the year’s beginning. I mentioned earlier that I plan to Listen.
This morning, I listened to wandering thoughts and called the amazing Betty. I knew this would be a terrible time to reach her unless she was playing hooky from church. She picked up and we had a chance to connect as she drove to the Atlanta airport. I would have hated to miss that time with her. A win for Listening.
Nothing changes unless we do.
A few days ago, I sent an email to a few pals:
“I’m punting wishful thinking and other worthless distractions. I know – with certainty – the desire to be a ‘happy wife of a happy man’ is the one thing that stays true in my world (outside of you, kids, and goofiness…and peanutbutter/dark chocolate chips.) It’s baffling that this is the only thing that I know. Saving the world? No. Rocket surgery? Meh. I love being a mum (who knew?) and the imperfect companionship of a tag-teaming love.
I can’t expect to change my current status of holding my own history alone, unless I make a few changes…like getting out of the many routes I travel and exploring even new ones.”
I sent this and toss it out here as a gesture of accountability and not a desperate plea. There are many routes I regularly travel, but as I pay off an unexpected debt (thanks car!), I am looking for a class to take and new routes to forge. And frankly, I am still sorting out whether I have “faith” after …well, it is not the best soil to grow a relationship. (Still plenty of rocks in the field.)
I’ve begun a SEA Fund or renamed an existing account to reflect my desire to Save, have an Emergency fund, and an Adventure fund. Goals to strategically save for “what may come” are goals at least.
Good-bye to the random musical purchases on Amazon for a bit.
So long weekly sushi or ChikFilA lunch at the K-State Union.
(Sniff.) Arrivederci New York Times Sunday Edition.
What are these big plans? Well, an aggressive savings of my modest income is one goal because I dream of seeing the kids see the places that I know in Altbach, Ulm, and Berchesgarten.
Visions of exploring the Grand Canyon and hiking into its core, traveling like Steinbeck across the country, thoughts of visiting people and getting to know them and their world follow me around like a hungry pup.
Yoga at Orange Sky where my heart seems to rest and feel safe while my limbs relax into odd pretzel shapes and re-entering the water as my fins and scales have dried out have made the list. (Water is where I find my most reliable peace and swimming to exhaustion is a sure way forward.)
When Madi and Kenan were tiny, I picked up a book from our fabulous local library called Lottie’s Dream. It spoke of a little girl whose family piled into the covered wagon and moved to what Lottie believed was the oceanside. She ended in Kansas.
Disappointed at first, she learned to hear the ocean in the wheat as the wind billowed through. She learned to value the rising hills and sturdy people of the plains.
Recently, I looked for this book and it is sadly out of print and no longer available from our now-even-more-fabulous-local-library. Lottie’s story sticks with me as I live out this return to Kansas and unexpected season.
All of these goals are true. But I am not perfect nor particularly brave. Even this morning, I thought to run at one of Manhattan’s many far flung parks, but became scared that I’d be in danger. Manhattan is NOT dangerous. It’s just that some of the fears and outcomes of assault still linger. So I did not go.
But I did call Betts and write…finally.
You are invited to continue to wind this way and that through the next valley; through fog and rain; snow and heat; and come-what-may.