This morning’s running plans shifted and I fell back to sleep a little before 5 am.
Suddenly, I found myself racing out the door calling for a big barking woof-y pup that I had heard while in that slumbering place between deep sleep and awake. I looked and listened and whistled until my cold toes woke me up fully and I realized that the pup had an owner and it did not need me to run and find it.
I must admit that for a moment, I was so sad.
We all need somebody – even if that body is furry, four (or three)-legged, goofy, or wise. Just not imaginary.
While warming up in the cozy covers of my safe bed, splashing clean fresh water on my face, eating my breakfast, and brushing my teeth, I wrestled with feeling sorry for myself.
Wrestled with failure
and overwhelm for all of the headlines
An attempt to pay bills did not ease the frustration.
And I still feel it: guilt from decisions and delays related to how I parent my kids, not being a better and more present sister, the history that people see if they see me, a future that is so obscured by fog and swirl…a faith that could not be called “faith” at all.
What do I have?
I tend to go back to gratitude when sadness and sorry-for-myself-ness draws upon me. It helps to take an inventory of what has gone well; often the good is interwoven with the funk.
- Kenan stepped up and made a hilarious and VERY Kenanish announcement for his college graduation and commissioning even though he had squandered the help he’d been offered and felt that it was not a priority. (I’ll be sprinkling a few of those around the mail/mailboxes today.) HE did it. Followed through. Finished it.
- My bills reveal time with friends, books read, and running shoes purchased. The wince-worthy reality is not offset by the friends woven into the story-in-the-statement, but I am so glad for the time and adventures we’ve had. I can dive a little deeper into the belt-tightening and already figured out one area that is easy to change. Good company is a necessity and I am grateful for such good company.
- Fresh water, healthy food, and a safe home. Events of this week make these realities even more precious. I hope to not take them for granted.
- My car, bike, and running shoes work. If that changes, I’ll find a way and ask for help.
- The sun is up and so far – no bats
We all need somebody.
Sometimes that somebody is us.
To get up, get going, and remind ourselves of what we have.
To share what we are so fortunate to encounter, learn, enjoy, etc.
I’ve got to bolt to work (I have a job!-another woohoo!).
Still searching and looking for signs of life.